Social situations are among the most important in our lives. Yet, there is a huge chance that you are oblivious to the plethora of unwritten social rules that structure everybody’s behaviour. Failing to comply to these cultural imprints can cause irreversible damage. Just following them blindly will not get you ahead. Hacking them, however, will give you the best results possible.
Our brain is an incredibly complicated instrument. Our relationship with it, is a love-hate one. We think we have control over it but usually something unconscious dictates our actions.
In most of our social interactions, we find it difficult to feel comfortable among strangers because our brain tries to protect us from exposure.
This however isn’t helping us when trying to be social and meet new people, is it?
This is why assuming comfort is so powerful. Commanding your brain to feel that you already know the person you are about to meet puts you in a position of advantage. It increases the chances of people showing interest in you and consequently even liking you.
Interrupting people when they are in the middle of an important conversation is one of the most annoying things to do. It shows that you have zero knowledge of social dynamics which will lead to unpleasant social situations.
When you approach a group of people while in a conversation, pay attention to their bodies. If they turn only their torsos and not their feet, it means they are in the middle of an important conversation and they don’t want you to interrupt them.
If they turn both torso and feet, it means you are welcome. This is extremely important, because the right timing in such situations may put you in a position of advantage, especially if the conversation was boring for both sides.
We’ve all been in situations where out of nowhere the conversation started escalating.
Unless you love drama, I would suggest you to avoid these situations. You might have the best argument in the world, but usually people get irritated when they feel they are wrong.
So, whenever you feel that the argument you have with another person (especially friends – it’s not cool to fight with friends) creates tension, move next to them. You won’t appear much of a threat, and they will eventually calm down.
Admit it. We all love to get others to do stuff for us. Either because we are lazy, or because we really need some help to complete a task.
Social dynamics show that when it comes to platonic relationships, nobody really likes an asshole. So whenever you need a favor, start your sentence with “I need your help.”
In most cases, people will accept your request and help you out. This occurs because we don’t really like the guilt of not helping someone out and we do like to be the one who is capable of helping.
We love validation. Most of our actions are the outcome of our need for validation. So what is the best way to get people to like you? Give them what they need of course.
A simple example, is when you are in a conversation with another person and he says something really important for him. After he finishes, rephrase what he just said in your own words.
This will make him think that you are a good listener and that you are really interested in him. It makes him feel he is the center of attention. That’s validation right there.
This one is extremely powerful and also a bit manipulative especially if the person is suggestive. So use it with your own responsibility and in an ethical way.
Getting a positive response from someone is usually what we want. Whether it is making a sale, or promoting a viewpoint, we always want people to get on board.
Nodding while you try to deliver your message is a powerful way to get the person to agree with you. People usually like mimicking, so they will most probably nod back while you talk. This will subsequently communicate to their brains that they have to agree with you.
Usually when we are in the middle of a conversation and especially if we talk about something very important to us, we get lost in our talking and rarely pay attention to whether the other person is following or not.
So instead of losing time talking to a person who is distracted and might not even be interested in what you are saying, do this. Fold your arms while talking and see if the other person follows your move.
If the other person is observing you and pays attention, they will most likely mimic you.
I get stuck at remembering names. I usually don’t even listen to the other person when he says his name the moment we get introduced to each other. So usually, I ask a friend to introduce himself to the person so I can listen to his name. But then I forget it again. Awkward.
Remembering names is very important because we feel important when someone mentions us. So the moment you meet someone repeat his name. Example:
“Hi my name is Alex”
“Nice to meet you Alex. So, Alex how do you know John?”
And continue to repeat his name throughout the conversation.
This is a very common situation when you don’t know the other person that well or your question wasn’t clear enough.
If they finish the answer without providing a full answer, just wait. Stay silent and keep eye contact. If the tension becomes unbearable, raise your eyebrows.
It puts a bit of pressure on them but it communicates that you show interest. It also sub-communicates that you are a person that usually gets what he wants.
This is very useful in public speaking but also in building rapport with an acquaintance. Whenever you introduce yourself to new people, most probably they have already heard what you are about to say.
Well that’s not a problem. Even if you want to talk about the most boring topic in the world, make sure of one thing: Always try to evoke emotions.
From my experience the 3 emotions that you want to evoke are:
• Laughter: Everyone likes to laugh
• Intrigue: Leave a little mystery so the other person has to invest energy to hear more. Don’t be purposely distant, but avoid verbal diarrhea.
There are many techniques to turn a boring conversation into an exciting and intriguing one, but here are a couple of my favorites:
So if you want to be memorable, focus on the emotion behind the words. People may forget what you say, but they will never forget how you make them feel.
Two young candidates walked into the interview office to apply for the same job. The first one had a Phd, two Masters and a Bachelor’s degree. The second one had just a Bachelor. The first one was kind of shy, didn’t talk much, his body language was turned inward. The second one had an upright posture, was looking the interviewers directly in the eyes, showed a lot of interest in the job and his answers where emitting confidence.
We don’t have to tell you who got the job.
No one became an expert on anything over night. However, the learning process in everything you do is accelerated by commanding your brain to think what you want it to think. In simple words. You are what you believe you are.
• You are confident if you believe you are confident
• You are attractive if you believe you are attractive
• You are extrovert if you believe you are extrovert
This is similar to the previous point, but more concrete than a mantra or belief. Go stand in the mirror, put your hands on your hips, thrust your pelvic forward, pull your shoulders up, back and down, open your chest, tilt your head up, and force the biggest smile you can possibly manage to fit across your face. Even if you consciously know you’re just faking it, your brain can’t tell the difference, and will release endorphins to match your body position. This can feel silly, but it really works.
I don’t really feel the need to elaborate on this one. Obviously these words do not evoke confidence and the other person will most probably not take you seriously. Change them to ‘I know’ and ‘I will’ instead.
How many times have you waken up without any motivation at all? How many times have you started working on something without being able to get focused and inspired?
Next time this happens, take a look around you. Is your environment clean and well-organized? If not, take some minutes to clean it up and put everything into place. You will feel refreshed and reborn and productivity will spark immediately. But not only that, you will come across as caring and punctual, two highly esteemed traits.
Why do think most of the big companies pay so much attention to creating the best working environment for their employees? They know what makes them happy and how it affects their productivity.
Pay attention to who is looking at each other when everyone in the group laughs at a joke. People instinctively look at and agree with the person they feel closest to within the group.
Always have this in mind. Excitement is contagious. Why do you think the music video from Pharrell Williams – “Happy” got so many views and so many people were talking about it?
People love excitement! It is like an escape from their boring lives. Never forget that.
(You can mirror this and show disappointment if somebody let’s you down, making them painfully aware of their hurtful actions.)
This is quite a common topic among body language experts and works well if you want to gain respect from a person that has high value.
You are in a social situation where a person has higher value among others within the group. He is the center of attention and he totally enjoys it. How do you match his value? By befriending him!
If you want his respect and attention the best thing to do when you approach him is to match his body language and speaking patterns. If he has open body language and he talks with excitement and joy, don’t go there with crossed arms and with an attitude of negating his words.
Approach him with the same amount of excitement and show openness and interest.
Haters are everywhere. The more you feed them with hate, the stronger they become. Never lose your temper. This is a great example of how to deal with a hater. Enjoy!
• Keep a straight posture and walk like a born leader. This sub-communicates confidence and others will respect you automatically.
• Keep your hands out of your pockets. If you don’t know what to do with them, it is better to fold your arms rather than keep them inside your pockets.
• Keep your hands warm. If you have a warm hand when you shake somebody’s hand, you immediately become a more desirable person to get along with. Secret Tip – wash your hands with warm water often to keep them warm or take cold showers.
• You have heard this a thousand times. Here is the 1001st. – never lose eye contact! Losing eye contact is like losing your confidence. One cool trick when first meeting someone is to focus on their eye color and smile at the same time. The eyes are the gateway to the soul, and taking the extra second to gaze shows you are confident and present. (Be sure to move your eyes away periodically, a constant stare will creep people out.)
The Ben Franklin effect is a psychological finding:
A person who has done someone a favor is more likely to do that person another favor than they would be if they had received a favor from that person. Similarly, one who harms another is more willing to harm them again than the victim is to retaliate.
This is an unbelievable finding. In social situations, you can hack this by making someone do something small for you, then asking for your true favor. It’s such a small favor that they will say yes, and due to cognitive dissonance their brain will rationalize that they must like you enough to do you a favor in the first place. This is also called the foot-in-the-door effect.
Never talk bad about another person. Even if everyone in the room talks bad about someone else, and even if you find yourself agreeing with them, just hold your thoughts to yourself. Staying silent and refusing to partake in the same body language will send a strong signal you don’t enjoy bringing someone else down.
If the people around you ask for your opinion, either with an explicit question or an inviting gaze, just change the topic. This might come across as abrupt, but will deflate the whole notion that it is fun to talk bad behind someone’s back. It is not, and will actually make people think less of you.
In contrast, if you stop talking bad about others they will trust you and end up respecting you more. Over time, this will deepen your relationships and add a layer of intimacy that is impossible to have with someone that is known to be gossiping all the time.
If you don’t talk bad about others you will also never end up in situations where someone will gossip about you gossiping. The worst thing that can happen is that someone says “well, Jack told me…”
A piece of Buddhist wisdom can be helpful to remember this. “Talk about others in the same manner if they were actually here.”
People will not always remember the exact details of a conversation, but they will always remember how you made them feel. Vibes are sticky. This idea is often used for the argument that you should show genuine interest in what others like. But this is not enough.
People want to be liked for who they are, not for what they are interested in. To truly connect you need to meet the other at a personal level, not a superficial one. To do this, you need to follow up questions about specific interests with questions about the person themselves.
So after asking someone about their favorite movie, you can ask why they like it, what they thought stood out, and what they have learned from it. Following up really shows the other person you a truly interested in what makes them tick, and while they might forget what was actually said, they will never forget you made them feel good.
To truly learn something you need to embody it. Not just remember, or act out, but become one with it. To do this, you need to go through a three phase learning process.
The first phase is seeing, getting engaged with the learning material. This is the most easy one, but it is also very tricky. Why? Because it falsely gives a sense of something learned, while in actuality you will forget it very quickly.
The second phase is doing. You need to act out; you need to become familiar with the material. But even this is not enough to truly learn something. If you don’t do step three, you end up with just mimicking the material, which is different from learning.
The third phase is teaching. A critical viewpoint from someone else will show if we truly learned it or not. Remember the telephone game where one person repeats the story to a single other person, who repeats it to someone else, etcetera? This is mimicking, and at the end of the line, it is obvious how much you actual forget if you just repeat something.
To learn, you need to repeat it in your own words, you need to fill in the gaps of your own forgetfulness. The third phase of teaching will do exactly this. You need to retrieve the information and mold it so it fits the context of this moment. This is how you become one with the material.
This is especially true for new knowledge like this list. Which brings me to the fourth psychological hack.
The fundamental problem with learning something new is that you haven’t learned it yet. This might sound obvious, but it has deep implications. Because the person who hasn’t learned it yet, doesn’t know what it means to have actually gone through a transformation, he isn’t able to look back and see an ignorant older self.
It boils down to this: the person you are now can’t be trusted to make the best decisions for your future self, simply because you need to have already learned something to use that knowledge to make the best decisions.
This means we often end up giving in to short term pleasure while at the same time looking back and see what we wished we had done something differently. Often this is sticking with something even while we think we don’t need it.
The solution is to create a challenge and stick with it. Know that the person who you are right now is unable to see why you will benefit from it. The person you are right now can’t be trusted. For example, don’t just go to yoga once, commit to go to yoga 30 times before you decide it is for you or not.
For this list, I would like to invite you to remember it, then practice it, and then teach a friend. You have to do this, even if you think you shouldn’t.
Which leads to the last point:
The single reason why people keep their mistakes to themselves is they think that others will think worse of them if they do share. Coming across as fallible seems not to be a very desirable trait. But, actually, the reverse is true.
Imagine a situation where you know you are right and confront the other person with this fact. If the other person admits she was wrong, you know you can trust her. If, on the other hand, she holds to her story, you know she will be afraid of owning up to her mistake. This actually implies that she would rather lie than be honest, if only people don’t find out.
Is this a desirable trait?
Now, realize there are many situations like these where you are this other person.
Source: This post was originally published on HighExistence